Whilst society’s attitude towards sex has become increasingly liberal over the last century, its way of dealing with death and loss has certainly regressed. This unwillingness to tackle the issue of death directly could be storing up huge issues for the nation’s youth, who could grow up with severe emotional scars and unable to deal with loss in later life.

An important conference hosted by Dove House Hospice is now hoping to address these issues. It aims help anyone with regular contact with children to better emotionally support youngsters who have been bereaved.

Children and Loss: Time to Listen, is the heading for Dove House’s 5th international conference, this year being held at Hull Truck Theatre on June 18th. The conference will draw on the hospice’s extensive skills obtained through its work with educational partners and youngsters to inform the conference.

It is hoped that by exploring the issues surrounding death, professionals working with children will be better prepared to support children when they encounter the unfamiliar emotions of loss and grief. The conference is aimed at anyone who works with children, including those in schools, social services, youth groups and the clergy.

According to Dove House’s head of practise development, Nic MacManus, the unwillingness to confront mortality in society generally is excluding children from the natural grieving process and causing emotional problems in the long term.

“It is often adults who find themselves unable to talk about death as dealing with their own mortality can make them ill at ease,” says Nic. “Children would often welcome being brought into the family bereavement experience but might feel excluded form this.”

“Dealing with death used to be a natural part of family life. As it is now more common for people to die in hospital, it is now common for parents to attempt to protect children from the pain of loss.”

“In the past children were included in the experience of death in ways that might be considered distasteful now,” he says. “For example, having children carry the coffin or see the body of a deceased relative was quite common and allowed children to engage in the grief the family was feeling.”

“It is wholly natural for adults to want to shield children from loss for as long as possible, but it is part of growing up to experience these emotions and deal with them.”

He draws comparisons with what he calls “the goldfish test.” “Do we swap the dead goldfish for another one to protect the children or do we use it as a chance to talk about loss?” he questions. “Part of our ethos is that we want people to feel comfortable talking about death and dying and, from our experience, children are very resilient and they will adapt to situations.

“By not talking to children or letting them express their own emotions, children can imagine something connected with death which isn’t true, meaning they are left frightened or misinformed about things which aren’t actually true and that can be much more damaging.

“If we keep children in the dark when it comes to death, it can make coming to terms with how they are feeling much more difficult. Letting children know that feeling upset and distressed is natural is key to the healing process. If we don’t provide this information to children they may start believing that their emotions are wrong or different to how everyone around them is feeling.”

Attendees will gain insight into children’s experiences of the death of the parent and how to help them tackle the life-changing event as well as understanding the importance of being proactive instead of reactive. Tackling death at an earlier age can help children understand their emotions and prevent negative behaviour which can emerge years later if a child is ignored or excluded from the grieving process. Those attending the conference will also be given the opportunity to tap into a valuable network of professionals, exchanging ideas on supporting children as they deal with overwhelming feelings of loss.

Speakers at the conference are to include Brenda Mallon, who is a counsellor and psychotherapist specialising in bereavement; team leader for Minority Ethnic Achievement at Hull’s Children and Young People’s Services, Sukhwant Kaur; and Alison Penny, co-ordinator of the Childhood Bereavement Network. Specific talks will include “How you can help children and young people who experience loss”, “Grief matters for children in school” and “A child’s perception of immigration from India to the UK”, which discusses the issue of culture loss and the lack of sense of belonging caused by such a move.

Dove House Hospice is a palliative care facility based in Hull. It provides a variety of care facilities that are intended to improve quality of life, from day care and in-patient care, through to symptom control for adults and terminal care. They also provide a wide variety of complementary treatments. The hospice is a registered charity and is therefore principally responsible for its own funding.